Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
