I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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