there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
