just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
