I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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