The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
