We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This is the high leading the old right now
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
