Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The uberlube is also flammable
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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