Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
