I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
