i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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