Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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