Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
We need to rekindle our bromance
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
