I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
