you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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