She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
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i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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