News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Panties = found
Randomize
