Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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