the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
