is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
