I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
