I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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