He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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