She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
