But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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