i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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