I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
