Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
