in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
