Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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