It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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