i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
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Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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