just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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