there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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