i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
