apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
