hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
