i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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