I can tuck mytits in my pants
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
