I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
