I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
