You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
