The maid of honor just puked.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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