Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
