is your mom at the bar?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
