You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
