You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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