I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
