That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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