Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
