He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
