I got chris browned last night
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't turn off my feet"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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