Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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