She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
