took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
