so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
